Day 1

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33 NIV

Today is a confusing day for me.  I've run the gambit of emotions throughout the year and I believe it's just the way things are going to be. God will give me the peace I need no matter what I do or what happens in my life.  It's the only way for me.

It's not that the day has been terrible, actually, it's been a good day.  It's just the daily battle in my head.  The tiny voices that scream at me telling me negative things. 

Some days I wonder if this blog matters to anyone, but then there's those days where I just don't care if it does or not.  

So, I sit here wanting to be positive and bring something good to the online world, but it's just not happening tonight.  Luckily, there should be a tomorrow for me.

Watching the movie The Christmas Miracle, the end has a great speech given by a lead character Joseph (played by Dan Payne).  It sums up the fact that you need to make sure you let people know they are important to you, no matter what the situation.  In the good and in the bad.  

So, take what I've said for what you want.  It's the random scattered thoughts in my head right now.  Trying to get focused some days are difficult. 

BTW, I'm trying to complete my own 100 days.... wish me luck. I'm sure I'll miss one here or there, but I'm going to try. 

Snow

Snow, what a beautiful sight.  Unless you're driving in it.  So, last week Buffalo. NY got 72" of snow in two days.  That's just insane!  Well, today we're supposed to get 2-5 inches.  I usually start work at 11am.  It was raining this morning while I was getting ready for work.  I came downstairs to find the rain turning to sleet.  The sleet turned to snow. 

The snow is heavy and coming down like crazy.  It's not supposed to stop until later in the afternoon.  

Well, I suffer from panic attacks and I could tell one was in the process of being full blown.  So, I called in work, I just can't drive in this. I know they weren't thrilled but it'll pass.  

What does my panic attack look like?

Heart racing, shaking, fight or flight feeling, crying uncontrollably, and feeling like my skin has millions of bugs on it.  I get a tightness in my chest but it's not pain.

It's a feeling of being out of control and terrified all at once.  This is actually a very poor description of my panic attacks.  I get jittery and my fingers don't stop moving.  They twitch and rub together.  I know it sounds weird, but I've learned my pre-symptoms and what to expect if it doesn't get stopped.  Sometimes I can't stop it.

Emotionally, I'm a mess.  Very edgy and feel like jumping at anything. I don't really know how to describe it.

Do you have panic attacks?  Ever have a feeling that something terrible is going to happen?  If you do, what helps you?  What are your symptoms?  What does it do to you emotionally?  

Dealing

I'm not even sure how to begin today.  My mood is better than it was the last time I stopped in here.  I spent my weekend being slightly productive.  You know, the fun stuff, grocery shopping, errands with The Minion, taping the trim upstairs so I can start that paint job this week. 

Yesterday at church they announced that one of the young ladies in a local branch was in a car accident Sunday morning (1:30am).  She was on the expressway when a drunk driver was driving in the wrong direction and hit her head on. Erin was trapped in her car and had to be cut out.  The driver of the other car was taken to the hospital as well but only had minor injuries and walked out of the hospital.  Erin was transported to the hospital, spent 4 hrs in surgery Sunday morning and still has at least one more to go.  She has 3 fractured ribs, crushed vertebrae, and major internal injuries. 

I don't even know what to say about this.  

It just saddens my heart to know that this young girl will have so much ahead of her.  She is lucky though.  She has a great support system and she is such a faithful Christian it's unbelievable.  

I will just continue to pray for her, her family and the driver. This is what has been on my mind for the last two days.  

Following up

Today I'm following up with my previous post.  Due to the fact that depression just doesn't go away easily.  When I created my last post, I felt like I was at rock bottom of the pit of depression, which meant that the next step would be the way up.  That's probably what's happening, but just way too slow.

I came to the conclusion last night that I'm not on the way up hill, but am hovering at the bottom.  How did I come to that conclusion?  Well, I love to eat, especially food that is not very healthy for me.  Well, last night, I didn't even want to eat.  It was a feeling of, why bother?  I know that doesn't make sense to some people, but those who have depression know what I mean.  It's at that point that I see where I'm at. 

Today I struggle with every thought.  I can think good, positive things one moment, then all of a sudden there's something in my head going negative. 

I did not want to go to work today.  I didn't want to do anything today.  I have another post I've been working on (about home repairs I've been working on) and I haven't wanted to get any of that done. So, I'm at work anyway.  I put on my fake smile and keep the emotions stuck deep inside.  I've learned that when I'm like this I really drive people crazy.  Can you imagine what my poor family goes through?  Exactly, it's not fun.  I feel like I'm always trying to hide the true me because that real depressed negative person brings people down, and who wants to be around someone like that?  No one.

This is how I've lost so many friendships over the years.  There are some people that are stuck seeing the negative side of me. I don't blame them for de-friending me or just "loosing contact" with me.  I can really be a pain in the butt.  Sometimes I feel like all I do is annoy people. 

OK, you can see where I'm going with today's thoughts.  I'll stop here because all it will do is get worse from here.

-getting through the day, one minute at a time-

"The Man and the Hole in the Roof"

What's it like to live with depression?  Some days it's just horrible.  Bipolar depression can make a person feel like they're crazy.  One day you're fine the next, bam!  You're in the lowest place you think you'll ever be.  

I'm pretty lucky with the fact that I understand that I will hit those lows and the highs (don't know which is worse).  When you' re in the middle it's best.  The difficult part is to stay in the middle.  Chemicals change and situations can trigger a high or low.

I'm currently in a low.  So, basically, depressed.  I have absolutely NOTHING to be depressed about.  My life is good.  I have a great family, good job, friends, a place to live, food on the table, and most of all God.  He is what will always get me through.  No matter how bad it gets, He with either carry me or drag me through to get to the next step.  

Being the fangirl that I am, I found a short film with an actor that I follow (Ryan Robbins), and directed by another actor (Robert Lawrenson) that I follow.  It's called "The Man and the Hole in the Roof"  

http://youtu.be/zfNcYeCE6VI 

If you get the chance, take out 10 mins to watch it.  Beautifully written (Ryan Fehr)  and portrayed by two great actors (Ryan Robbins and Michael Patric).  

Sometimes it's as simple as the words that come from a total stranger that can help when you're depressed.  Remember that when you treat someone with respect and kindness it can change their whole world.  

Back to what I was saying, depression can be so difficult to get out of.  Even with counseling, medication and people who care around you, it can be as difficult as swimming across an ocean.  It seems endless and hopeless, but with help you can get to the other side. 

When I'm depressed I usually become extremely introverted.  I hate being around people, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do anything, not even the things I enjoy.  Yesterday was horrible!  Aside from the depression my anxiety was in full bloom.  I'm feeling a little better today, hence I'm actually writing.  I spent last night doing absolutely nothing of any importance, and alone.  That helped.

Do I have a point in this today?  I'm not really sure if I've gotten to any point.  All I can say is that if you suffer from depression, just get through the day... or the hour, then the next hour.  Sometimes is all we can do.  Find help and stay as strong as you can.  Talk to someone.  It that person can't help, find someone else.  Keep looking until you find someone you feel comfortable talking with and get through this.  

Depression and mental illness came to light with Robin Williams took his life.  Lots of stuff in the news then, now? Nope.  It will never end.  There are many different opinions of taking your life.  All I can say is that it is selfish and a cop-out, to a point.  I completely understand the agony you feel inside, how you want the pain to end.  Just stop.  The people that survive can't make any sense of it.  They can only understand what you were thinking at that moment a little.  Stick around and tell them.  Tell them how alone you feel when you're in a room full of people.  How you feel like an outcast.  How you feel like everything you do is wrong.  How you think you annoy everyone you're around because you deal with this ALL the time and it just can't seem to go away for good.

Tell them. Now, I need to listen to my own advice.  The things I've mentioned above is exactly how I feel when I'm depressed (and sometimes when I'm not).

I hope I've been able to help someone today.  I have to go to work, yipee.  Yes, that's sarcastic.  I really like my job and the people I work with, but when I'm depressed I don't want to go.  

But, I go....  

Depression sucks!

I figured I should just take a few minutes to get some thoughts down.  

I've had a four day weekend and it's ending in the wrong way.  My original plan was to refinish my deck.  I figured I could pressure wash the previous stain off since we have a strong pressure washer.  Well, when I went to get it started, it didn't.  So, Thursday as a bust! When my neighbor came home I asked him to help me.  He's good with things like this and my IT Guys and Minion were away for the weekend. He couldn't get it started.  So, I borrowed his pressure washer. 

I spent several hours Thursday night and Friday all day working on the deck.  It's not really that big, but the pressure washer I was using has a PSI about half of what ours has. All that time and almost all of the flooring stain had been removed. Yesterday I headed back out but after a few hours of getting no where on the spindles and railing I gave up.  

I am do discouraged and depressed about this.  I need to use a chemical remover now since that wasn't working.  This whole thing has thrown me into a crash.  All I've wanted to do is eat, which of course, I've been doing. Which of course, makes me feel worse.  

Sometimes depression is quite frustrating. I can look from the outside and see the situation but from where I currently stand, in the middle of the situation, it sucks!

So, today I've been doing nothing.  I had this huge to-do list for the weekend. I was looking forward to getting some things done.  Now I feel like I'm a failure.  I didn't get anything on this list completed. 

All I know is that at least there's tomorrow.  

Legacy

It's been too long since I've written anything, anywhere.  I figured I have a few minutes to stop in and share.  

As a fangirl, I saw posts today about a lady that passed away today from melanoma.  What I've seen is amazing.  To see one person has impacted so many others, even those she hadn't met face to face.  I never met her, I'd seen her posts from time to time.  

In the past couple of years life and death has been brought to my attention and slammed in my face way too often.  It's something that sometimes we have to get real and look at.  What kind of a legacy will you leave behind?  I want to share what a few of the people that have been lost in the last few years left as their legacy. 

Jeff - a devout follower of Jesus.  Even when struggling with cancer, he was amazing.  He was the third in his family to have cancer.  Many years before his daughter had cancer in her eye, she survived loosing one eye.  His wife survived through breast cancer.  Then he tackled brain cancer. He lost the battle after more than two years, he was given only a couple of months.  He was a leader at our church that taught us how to love God to the best of our abilities.

Joyce - she was the mom of a dear close friend of mine.  She was always joyful when I was around her.  She saw that God had worked wonders in her family's life. 

Josephine - grandma to My I.T. Guy.  She lived an amazing 103 years, almost 104!  She saw the world evolve and change in ways I'm sure she never thought possible.  Can you imagine seeing that many years?  She was full of spunk and taught my mother-in-law how to cook amazing meals, who passed it down to her son.

Norma - my aunt.  I don't think I ever saw her down.  Seriously.  She was they type of aunt that made every niece and nephew believe that they were her favorite.  I know the truth though, my sister and I WERE her favorites! 

These are only four examples of legacies.  What will you leave behind?  How will you leave your mark on the world?  Even if it's a small mark, will you make the difference in at least one person's life?  

Are you able to "pay it forward?" 

"Little ripples make big waves" - Amanda Tapping 

www.sanctuaryforkids.org 

Sanctuary

When I was younger, much younger, I used to come up with stories for TV shows.  A few times I would even write them down.  I'd use the characters from the show and create my own episode.  

Little did I know that I was not crazy for doing this.  That there are many other people in the world that do the same thing.  It's called Fan Fiction - aka - FanFic. 

As I became an adult I slowly walked away from this part of my life.  I used to follow actors and shows. It was a great escape from all that went on in my life.  No, my life wasn't horrible, as a teenager, it was pretty normal.  I really enjoyed being a fangirl, though.  As I said, I walked away from this.  I had to grow up at one point.  

This all changed in 2008.  A new show came out that I got completely enthralled with it.  It's called Sanctuary. This show began as a webseries, airing their 12-15 min segments online. After several episodes/segments aired SyFy picked it up.  It was wonderful.  It was a whole new world for me to explore.  

The difference with this show, the cast and crew.  Amanda Tapping played the main character Dr. Helen Magnus, (she's from Stargate SG-1.) Well, her, Martin Wood and Damian Kindler put the show together and got feedback from their fans. This alone was different.  They took a different path with this show.  I don't remember when I really started watching Sanctuary, but I have seen every episode that I can tell you almost every line and miscellaneous information regarding the episodes.  

Sanctuary brought me back into the world of fandom. The fun thing was that this time I have the internet at my fingertips!  Social media is a great tool for us fans and the actors that use it.  Sanctuary had their own website: www.sanctuaryforall.com, they were very interactive with their fans, which has created a great group of people who had a link - Sanctuary.  

Anyway, after chatting with other fans I learned about fanfic.  There were others who wrote stories for their favorite shows, and as I learned, for comics, movies, and books as well. So, I started writing once again.  I pulled out those stories from my head and put them in the computer.  Then I put them on the website to get feed back.  

www.fanfiction.net/~catzchaos 

This is where you can find my writings if you are interested.  I do have a favorite story that I've written.  When I read it myself I am still amazed that I wrote it.  It's titled Secluded for Sanctuary.  I have several other stories that I've not posted there that are running through my head.  They will eventually get out of my head and written.  I've had a bought of writer's block for a while now and am just trying to get past that to finish the story I'm on.  I know where I want to go but just can't get past one point. 

So, this is just a taste of what goes on in my head.  

More to come about being a fangirl!

A Healthier Me, in the Making

Working on self improvement.  This is my journey.  Today I have failed at my exercise and eating goals.  I am lucky though, I plan on having a tomorrow to begin again.  I've been working on getting healthier for many reasons.  It's not about being skinny, or thin.  It's about becoming healthier.  I am about 55 lbs overweight and my body feels it.  I know I will not be able to loose all that weight, but that's ok.  My goal is NOT a number.  It's about the way I feel physically.

I started in November working on our stationary bike.  There are different tension levels, I began at #3.  My rides lasted anywhere from 30-60 minutes.  My average is 30 mins with reaching about 6 miles or so.  I would do this 2-3 times a week.  I started to feel a little better.  

So, I started to watch what I was eating and recording it on an app called MyFitnessPal.  There's a website as well.  MFP connects with my FitBit (really cool pedometer). Doing this has helped me to see what I was eating and my activity level.  I didn't change much of what I was eating.  

January started and I added in slight changes of what I was eating and more aerobic exercise.  I started doing the Jillian Michels 30 day shred.  Well, it kicked my butt the first two days.  By day 4 I could tell the difference.  It wasn't as difficult to do, but still exhausting!

I took a week off due to the fact that I pulled something in my back. I did ride the bike a couple times, but not like I had been.  So, tomorrow I start once again.  Tomorrow I will do my full hour workout.  

My goals:
I want to be able to actually run part of the BIX7 in July.  It's a 7 mile race in Davenport, IA.  I've walked it 3 times.  Last year was the best time I had, so if I actually run part of it I will do even better. 

I want to be able to jog 1 mile straight by the end of the summer.  Don't ask me how, but I'll get there!

Become more flexible. 

Basically feel healthy. 

So, feel free to join me on this journey, it is one of many.

Simple Thoughts

Well, it's Saturday.  I've had a busy day as per the norm for me.  I started my to-do list for the weekend earlier this week.  I got a few things done today and have tomorrow to get more done.  I prefer to clean and do things around the house when no one else is here most of the time.  I guess you can call it my time of Solis. 

I like to have time alone, just to think, time to relax, time to just do nothing.  Down time is always a necessity for everyone.  I believe that everyone needs time to regroup and clear your head.  

On my good days I'll listen to loud music or watch shows, ok, I do that on my bad days too. Today is a good day for me.  Got things done, slept well last night (actually slept in too), and chilling now.  

Today my demons are not lingering ... they're busy doing something else.  Today my focus was on getting things done.  Tomorrow my Christmas tree and decorations come down.  It took a week to get them all up, I'm sure it will take me a day or more to get them down.  Yes, I know it's Jan 18th!  Usually my decorations go down the first weekend after Christmas.  

My family usually celebrates Christmas with my sister and Mom at our house (Thanksgiving is at my sisters).  We had planned to celebrate last weekend, however, that was changed due to a death in the family.  We attended a funeral then celebrated our Christmas at a nice Italian restaurant.  It was a first for our whole family.  Even though we had a difficult morning, the afternoon with The Ten of Us was nice.  

I am very thankful for my family.  My mom and my sister are awesome!  We have an amazing relationship.  I think everyone should have a relationship with their family.  We get along, we love each other, we talk, we agree to disagree respectfully. I think that's important.  I feel that family is one of the most important things that we will ever have. Both my sister and I have amazing relationships with our kids.  Luckily, our kids have realized this as well. Even our kids get along amazingly.  

I know, this is nothing deep today.  Nothing amazing.  Just my thoughts. Take them for what you want.

Demons

Today is just another day.

My mornings are usually the same: take My IT Guy to the train, come home and work out, clean & do misc stuff around the house until it's time to get ready for work. Well, today I came home from the train and found that a strike plate needed to be replaced on an important door.  So I did that.  I didn't do my workout.  I'm kind of glad though, I pulled something in my back earlier this week and today it's horrible. 

Do you ever feel like you make more mistakes than others?  I feel that way more than I should.  There are days when I feel like I'm full of mistakes.  It's so difficult to stay positive on those days.  This is where my mind goes - to the negative.  I have little demons in my head that are louder than they should be at times. 

Which brings me to the song Demons by Imagine Dragons.  Have you ever really listened to the lyrics of this song?  

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come!
This is my kingdom come!

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

When the curtains call
It's the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you've made

Don't wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come!
This is my kingdom come!

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes

It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

I know we all have demons. Mine seem to be all around.  Appearing to me daily.  It's a battle so many people have to face, on a regular basis. Sometimes our demons scream so loud that we can't hear anything else. What do your demons say to you?  Mine tell me negative things.  Thing's I'm not ready to share here.  One day, be patient.

So at the end of the day, my demons are no longer whispering at me, they're being too loud. The good thing about this though; it's the end of the day. Tomorrow is a new day and so many great things can happen.  This is how I get through at times.  Sometimes it's just me leaning on God.  He will get me through each day I'm here.

So, let me know what you think.  Do you have demons that linger and whisper to you? What do they say to you?    

Introduction

Welcome to my new blog. I have decided to start writing once again.  This time I will try to keep up with it better.  I have a previous blog that I just can't seem to get into to create new postings so I figured I'd just start a new one.  New year, new blog.

This will be a work in progress, just as I am a work in progress. For reference I have a family that I will refer to as: my husband is My IT Guy, my oldest daughter who is almost 23 will be The Artist, my second daughter who is 20 is My Mini-Me and my 15 yr old son is The Minion. I know it sounds silly, but I thought I would add some personality to this blog right off. I'm a part-time receptionist working noon to 5pm, living on the outskirts of the Chicago burbs. 

The purpose of this blog?  To share with you the things that are forever in my head.  Please feel free to follow, "like" and comment anytime.  I will try to post as often as possible.  I do love to write, so that will not be the problem, it's trying to find the time to do it. 

My interests vary: God, photography, fandom, fanfiction, writing, singing, music, ASL, kids, healthy living, and much more.  I'm sure I will cover all of things at one point in time.  Lucky for you, this is just my intro so I'm not going to keep going and going even though my mind would let me.