Day 13 - TWLOHA

Over the past several days my attention has been brought to TWLOHA - To Write Love on Her Arms.  I'm still learning more about this.  One; it's a movie, which I have yet to watch, about the struggles of one girl living with bipolar, which has turned into a new movement. It looks like an extremely emotional movie.  Two, who brought this to my attention? Jared Padelecki.  He is the actor who portrays Sam Winchester on Supernatural, yes, one of my top 5 favorite shows.  He finally got himself onto Facebook due to the death of a friend.  His friend committed suicide recently.  He has created a new journey for himself.  The death of his friend hurt him so deeply that he decided to step up and help others, with the profits from the sale of the line of shirts going to TWLOHA.  He had a few contests this week as well; autographed shirt & phone conversation with him - for example, both of which any fan of Supernatural would LOVE!

Well, he posted a couple videos from himself to the fandom world on FB.  The responses are amazing.  There are thousands of responses for each video and post he's made this week. Aside from condolences there are personal stories people are openly sharing for the world to see.  This is so wonderful to see.  It's also heart-wrenching to read some of them.

That's where I am right now.  My mind has become obsessed about all these people that suffer from depression, anxiety, self harm, self destruction and suicidal thoughts.  I've been on both sides of this.  I've been the one with the tendencies mentioned above, but also on the flip side - seeing someone in such inner agony that I just want to wrap my arms around them and make it all go away.

My perception of one side; the person going through the emotional pain.  One cannot fully comprehend what it's like to feel this  unless you've gone through it yourself.  

Backtrack to sophomore year of high school.  I was 15 and 16 during the school year.  I know this is 30 years ago, but I remember parts of it so clearly.  The inner pangs of a teenager was in full motion with me.  This is when depression was just beginning to really be looked at as a chemical issue instead of being weak and situational.  The inner pain I felt came out in my body language, in the things I said, what I wrote and in self harm.  At my lowest points I just wanted to die.Whenever I talked about how I felt I would get similar responses; disbelief, being told it was dumb to feel that way, or I just scared the person off.  I had a couple friends though, that took that extra step and did something about it.  One contacted my parents and another contacted the school counselor.  I was lucky and grateful that someone stepped up to help me.  Yes, I got counseling and things improved for me.  Thirty years later I still struggle with depression.  I've been on several different antidepressants, but nothing really worked.  I've seen counselors, learned more about myself and got diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder with depression and anxiety.

Finally a diagnosis that fits.  I'm currently on meds and deal with each day as it comes. I'm still on a roller coaster called Bipolar, but I've done research and learned more about my own patterns.  I know what my mania symptoms are and can tell when I start to crash into a depression.  I always pay attention to where my thoughts travel to and my mood.  I know that even though I feel like I'm in the bottom of a pit that I will come out of it.  It may take a week or so sitting in the pit, alone with my thoughts, but I know God will bring me out, every time.

I would love to know what it's like to live without bipolar, but I know that it's a gift that God gave me to carry so that maybe one day I can help someone else.  Hence, my blog.

Now flip this over.  My grandfather attempted suicide; he shot himself in the head.  Like I said, attempted.  He survived.  his body did but he was no longer the super hero I always thought he was.  He was unable to communicate, the amount of brain damage was catastrophic. A close friend of mine, a cousin and my best friend's nephew all lost their battles with depression.  Their deaths affected so many people that makes me wish they knew how much they were loved by others. 

Fast forward to today.  Yes, I'm in a downward slope right now.  I knew late last week that I was headed down.  But I also know there will be better days.

If you're reading this blog and you are struggling with depression or self worth, know you are NOT alone.  Try to step away from your thoughts for a moment.  I know it's horribly difficult.  Things can get better.  Today is one day, tomorrow is new.  Look at the short term if you can't look at the big picture.  I never thought about when I would be 20 or 30, let alone making it to 46! That was too far away.  Even today I just get through the day.  Please don't think of yourself as weak because you are going through this.  If you feel like inflicting self injury and choose not to, you have become even stronger.  Each and every day you get through creates a stronger person inside.  You can get through it all.  No matter what your situation is, it's up to you to decide how to respond.  Grow stronger each day, just by getting through it.  

As Jared's shirt says  "ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING" 

"The Man and the Hole in the Roof"

What's it like to live with depression?  Some days it's just horrible.  Bipolar depression can make a person feel like they're crazy.  One day you're fine the next, bam!  You're in the lowest place you think you'll ever be.  

I'm pretty lucky with the fact that I understand that I will hit those lows and the highs (don't know which is worse).  When you' re in the middle it's best.  The difficult part is to stay in the middle.  Chemicals change and situations can trigger a high or low.

I'm currently in a low.  So, basically, depressed.  I have absolutely NOTHING to be depressed about.  My life is good.  I have a great family, good job, friends, a place to live, food on the table, and most of all God.  He is what will always get me through.  No matter how bad it gets, He with either carry me or drag me through to get to the next step.  

Being the fangirl that I am, I found a short film with an actor that I follow (Ryan Robbins), and directed by another actor (Robert Lawrenson) that I follow.  It's called "The Man and the Hole in the Roof"  

http://youtu.be/zfNcYeCE6VI 

If you get the chance, take out 10 mins to watch it.  Beautifully written (Ryan Fehr)  and portrayed by two great actors (Ryan Robbins and Michael Patric).  

Sometimes it's as simple as the words that come from a total stranger that can help when you're depressed.  Remember that when you treat someone with respect and kindness it can change their whole world.  

Back to what I was saying, depression can be so difficult to get out of.  Even with counseling, medication and people who care around you, it can be as difficult as swimming across an ocean.  It seems endless and hopeless, but with help you can get to the other side. 

When I'm depressed I usually become extremely introverted.  I hate being around people, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do anything, not even the things I enjoy.  Yesterday was horrible!  Aside from the depression my anxiety was in full bloom.  I'm feeling a little better today, hence I'm actually writing.  I spent last night doing absolutely nothing of any importance, and alone.  That helped.

Do I have a point in this today?  I'm not really sure if I've gotten to any point.  All I can say is that if you suffer from depression, just get through the day... or the hour, then the next hour.  Sometimes is all we can do.  Find help and stay as strong as you can.  Talk to someone.  It that person can't help, find someone else.  Keep looking until you find someone you feel comfortable talking with and get through this.  

Depression and mental illness came to light with Robin Williams took his life.  Lots of stuff in the news then, now? Nope.  It will never end.  There are many different opinions of taking your life.  All I can say is that it is selfish and a cop-out, to a point.  I completely understand the agony you feel inside, how you want the pain to end.  Just stop.  The people that survive can't make any sense of it.  They can only understand what you were thinking at that moment a little.  Stick around and tell them.  Tell them how alone you feel when you're in a room full of people.  How you feel like an outcast.  How you feel like everything you do is wrong.  How you think you annoy everyone you're around because you deal with this ALL the time and it just can't seem to go away for good.

Tell them. Now, I need to listen to my own advice.  The things I've mentioned above is exactly how I feel when I'm depressed (and sometimes when I'm not).

I hope I've been able to help someone today.  I have to go to work, yipee.  Yes, that's sarcastic.  I really like my job and the people I work with, but when I'm depressed I don't want to go.  

But, I go....