Friday, November 7, 2014

Following up

Today I'm following up with my previous post.  Due to the fact that depression just doesn't go away easily.  When I created my last post, I felt like I was at rock bottom of the pit of depression, which meant that the next step would be the way up.  That's probably what's happening, but just way too slow.

I came to the conclusion last night that I'm not on the way up hill, but am hovering at the bottom.  How did I come to that conclusion?  Well, I love to eat, especially food that is not very healthy for me.  Well, last night, I didn't even want to eat.  It was a feeling of, why bother?  I know that doesn't make sense to some people, but those who have depression know what I mean.  It's at that point that I see where I'm at. 

Today I struggle with every thought.  I can think good, positive things one moment, then all of a sudden there's something in my head going negative. 

I did not want to go to work today.  I didn't want to do anything today.  I have another post I've been working on (about home repairs I've been working on) and I haven't wanted to get any of that done. So, I'm at work anyway.  I put on my fake smile and keep the emotions stuck deep inside.  I've learned that when I'm like this I really drive people crazy.  Can you imagine what my poor family goes through?  Exactly, it's not fun.  I feel like I'm always trying to hide the true me because that real depressed negative person brings people down, and who wants to be around someone like that?  No one.

This is how I've lost so many friendships over the years.  There are some people that are stuck seeing the negative side of me. I don't blame them for de-friending me or just "loosing contact" with me.  I can really be a pain in the butt.  Sometimes I feel like all I do is annoy people. 

OK, you can see where I'm going with today's thoughts.  I'll stop here because all it will do is get worse from here.

-getting through the day, one minute at a time-

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