Over the past several days my attention has been brought to TWLOHA - To Write Love on Her Arms. I'm still learning more about this. One; it's a movie, which I have yet to watch, about the struggles of one girl living with bipolar, which has turned into a new movement. It looks like an extremely emotional movie. Two, who brought this to my attention? Jared Padelecki. He is the actor who portrays Sam Winchester on Supernatural, yes, one of my top 5 favorite shows. He finally got himself onto Facebook due to the death of a friend. His friend committed suicide recently. He has created a new journey for himself. The death of his friend hurt him so deeply that he decided to step up and help others, with the profits from the sale of the line of shirts going to TWLOHA. He had a few contests this week as well; autographed shirt & phone conversation with him - for example, both of which any fan of Supernatural would LOVE!
Well, he posted a couple videos from himself to the fandom world on FB. The responses are amazing. There are thousands of responses for each video and post he's made this week. Aside from condolences there are personal stories people are openly sharing for the world to see. This is so wonderful to see. It's also heart-wrenching to read some of them.
That's where I am right now. My mind has become obsessed about all these people that suffer from depression, anxiety, self harm, self destruction and suicidal thoughts. I've been on both sides of this. I've been the one with the tendencies mentioned above, but also on the flip side - seeing someone in such inner agony that I just want to wrap my arms around them and make it all go away.
My perception of one side; the person going through the emotional pain. One cannot fully comprehend what it's like to feel this unless you've gone through it yourself.
Backtrack to sophomore year of high school. I was 15 and 16 during the school year. I know this is 30 years ago, but I remember parts of it so clearly. The inner pangs of a teenager was in full motion with me. This is when depression was just beginning to really be looked at as a chemical issue instead of being weak and situational. The inner pain I felt came out in my body language, in the things I said, what I wrote and in self harm. At my lowest points I just wanted to die.Whenever I talked about how I felt I would get similar responses; disbelief, being told it was dumb to feel that way, or I just scared the person off. I had a couple friends though, that took that extra step and did something about it. One contacted my parents and another contacted the school counselor. I was lucky and grateful that someone stepped up to help me. Yes, I got counseling and things improved for me. Thirty years later I still struggle with depression. I've been on several different antidepressants, but nothing really worked. I've seen counselors, learned more about myself and got diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder with depression and anxiety.
Finally a diagnosis that fits. I'm currently on meds and deal with each day as it comes. I'm still on a roller coaster called Bipolar, but I've done research and learned more about my own patterns. I know what my mania symptoms are and can tell when I start to crash into a depression. I always pay attention to where my thoughts travel to and my mood. I know that even though I feel like I'm in the bottom of a pit that I will come out of it. It may take a week or so sitting in the pit, alone with my thoughts, but I know God will bring me out, every time.
I would love to know what it's like to live without bipolar, but I know that it's a gift that God gave me to carry so that maybe one day I can help someone else. Hence, my blog.
Now flip this over. My grandfather attempted suicide; he shot himself in the head. Like I said, attempted. He survived. his body did but he was no longer the super hero I always thought he was. He was unable to communicate, the amount of brain damage was catastrophic. A close friend of mine, a cousin and my best friend's nephew all lost their battles with depression. Their deaths affected so many people that makes me wish they knew how much they were loved by others.
Fast forward to today. Yes, I'm in a downward slope right now. I knew late last week that I was headed down. But I also know there will be better days.
If you're reading this blog and you are struggling with depression or self worth, know you are NOT alone. Try to step away from your thoughts for a moment. I know it's horribly difficult. Things can get better. Today is one day, tomorrow is new. Look at the short term if you can't look at the big picture. I never thought about when I would be 20 or 30, let alone making it to 46! That was too far away. Even today I just get through the day. Please don't think of yourself as weak because you are going through this. If you feel like inflicting self injury and choose not to, you have become even stronger. Each and every day you get through creates a stronger person inside. You can get through it all. No matter what your situation is, it's up to you to decide how to respond. Grow stronger each day, just by getting through it.
As Jared's shirt says "ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING"
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
Day 12 - Happy Goundhog Day
Happy Groundhog Day!
What a weekend! Saturday was errand day, you know the joy of grocery shopping. Being that Sunday was the Super Bowl I anticipated it being busy there, however, we were also in store for a snow storm. So, the store was crazy! Almost funny busy. Luckily, I wasn't in any hurry so I just took it with stride.
Saturday night the snow began, it finally stopped Sunday late. I have no idea how much we got in our yard, but the highest totals were 19"! I'm pretty sure we have about 16".
Sunday morning my I.T. Guy and I were supposed to be in the children's ministry to teach the kids, but we chose not to go since we felt the drive would not be safe. Service ended up being cancelled anyway.
Saturday the washing machine stopped draining. My poor front-loader couldn't get rid of the water. I spent a couple hours on Sunday fixing washer. Yes, I fixed it.
Yeah, I sit here blabbering on about my weekend. Who really cares what I did?
What a weekend! Saturday was errand day, you know the joy of grocery shopping. Being that Sunday was the Super Bowl I anticipated it being busy there, however, we were also in store for a snow storm. So, the store was crazy! Almost funny busy. Luckily, I wasn't in any hurry so I just took it with stride.
Saturday night the snow began, it finally stopped Sunday late. I have no idea how much we got in our yard, but the highest totals were 19"! I'm pretty sure we have about 16".
Sunday morning my I.T. Guy and I were supposed to be in the children's ministry to teach the kids, but we chose not to go since we felt the drive would not be safe. Service ended up being cancelled anyway.
Saturday the washing machine stopped draining. My poor front-loader couldn't get rid of the water. I spent a couple hours on Sunday fixing washer. Yes, I fixed it.
Yeah, I sit here blabbering on about my weekend. Who really cares what I did?
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Day 11 - Decisions, decisions
Seriously, sometimes decisions are so difficult to make. I cannot make decisions easily. When I'm asked what I want or my opinion I always ask about the other person's wants or opinion first.
I don't understand why I'm always worried about what people think or what they would prefer before I give my opinions or wants. I know I'm a people-pleaser, I just don't know why it's so difficult.
Today is not a good day for me. Been feeling really low, depressed for a few days now. Today it's just not good. I want to hide away from everyone. But, I didn't completely do that today. I went to dinner with my family to celebrate my birthday. Yes, it was my birthday earlier this week.
Anyway, back to decisions. I don't want to make them.
Sorry, I know this is short. I can't write at the moment there are pieces falling off me and I need to try to clean up the mess.... yes, bad mood and depressed.
Welcome to my life.
I don't understand why I'm always worried about what people think or what they would prefer before I give my opinions or wants. I know I'm a people-pleaser, I just don't know why it's so difficult.
Today is not a good day for me. Been feeling really low, depressed for a few days now. Today it's just not good. I want to hide away from everyone. But, I didn't completely do that today. I went to dinner with my family to celebrate my birthday. Yes, it was my birthday earlier this week.
Anyway, back to decisions. I don't want to make them.
Sorry, I know this is short. I can't write at the moment there are pieces falling off me and I need to try to clean up the mess.... yes, bad mood and depressed.
Welcome to my life.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Day 10 - Prader-Willi Syndrome
Well, when I look at the fact that this is day 10 in my 100 day challenge, yet it's already the 22nd, I realize that I haven't been keeping up with my writing. I know it's been because I've been a little busy in the evening, or just too tired to write.
Today I read an article about Prader-Willi Syndrome. I have close friends whose daughter has PWS so I try to keep informed about this syndrome. It's such a scary way for a child to live.
If you're not familiar with PWS I'll explain what I understand about it. Their little Pixie is almost 6 years old now. When she was born they knew something was going on with her. She was diagnosed within a few days of her birth. For little Pixie she was unable to suckle so she never nursed or drank from a bottle, never. She wasn't strong enough. So, low muscle tone is a major symptom. She was never hungry and rarely cried. I honestly don't remember her crying.
So, PWS children have many struggles in their lives. Low muscle tone, learning disabilities, speech delays, slowed physical development, no appetite when they're young and many other issues. Usually around 2-3 yrs of age their appetite switch is turned on, and never turned off. This means that they will never feel full, ever. Can you imagine feeling hungry all the time, no matter if you just ate or not? I can't.
So, they are always hungry, but their body doesn't process or metabolize their food properly so they are limited to the amount of food they can eat. This little Pixie eats only 900 calories each day! 900! Seriously, try to watch how much you eat in one day. The average person consumes about 1200 - 1500 calories each day. Many people eat much more than that. To give you an idea a McDonald's Cheeseburger, yeah, the little burger we give kids is 290 calories. Now, that's just the burger. Kids, and adults, should eat 5-6 small meals each day. For a 900 calorie diet that would mean you could consume 180 calories each meal, for only 5 meals. Ok, that's about one apple and one piece of string cheese (just under 200 calories).
PWS causes obesity in children especially if the parents do not have control of the food in the house. These children find ways to eat, breaking the locks on the fridge and pantry, food in the garbage and sometimes things that aren't food. The signal that tells them to stop eating doesn't work so they can overeat. Sometimes that's horribly sad because they can eat so much that their stomach can rupture. They also struggle with apnea, breathing problems and inability to maintain their body temperature. So if they have a fever, it's off to the ER. Same goes if they vomit.
PWS is scary. I've been privileged to know this family and see how amazing they are. Pixie is being raised by some awesome parents who want to have knowledge of what their daughter is going through. They are also helping others become aware of Prader-Willi Syndrome.
This link is the story of one girl and a short part of her journey as well as more information about PWS.
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/25/magazine/food-is-a-death-sentence-to-these-kids.html?_r=4
Having the internet at our fingertips has helped provide information and knowledge about PWS for people. Take a look at what you can learn.
http://www.pwsausa.org/
I hope you have a wonderful day!
Today I read an article about Prader-Willi Syndrome. I have close friends whose daughter has PWS so I try to keep informed about this syndrome. It's such a scary way for a child to live.
If you're not familiar with PWS I'll explain what I understand about it. Their little Pixie is almost 6 years old now. When she was born they knew something was going on with her. She was diagnosed within a few days of her birth. For little Pixie she was unable to suckle so she never nursed or drank from a bottle, never. She wasn't strong enough. So, low muscle tone is a major symptom. She was never hungry and rarely cried. I honestly don't remember her crying.
So, PWS children have many struggles in their lives. Low muscle tone, learning disabilities, speech delays, slowed physical development, no appetite when they're young and many other issues. Usually around 2-3 yrs of age their appetite switch is turned on, and never turned off. This means that they will never feel full, ever. Can you imagine feeling hungry all the time, no matter if you just ate or not? I can't.
So, they are always hungry, but their body doesn't process or metabolize their food properly so they are limited to the amount of food they can eat. This little Pixie eats only 900 calories each day! 900! Seriously, try to watch how much you eat in one day. The average person consumes about 1200 - 1500 calories each day. Many people eat much more than that. To give you an idea a McDonald's Cheeseburger, yeah, the little burger we give kids is 290 calories. Now, that's just the burger. Kids, and adults, should eat 5-6 small meals each day. For a 900 calorie diet that would mean you could consume 180 calories each meal, for only 5 meals. Ok, that's about one apple and one piece of string cheese (just under 200 calories).
PWS causes obesity in children especially if the parents do not have control of the food in the house. These children find ways to eat, breaking the locks on the fridge and pantry, food in the garbage and sometimes things that aren't food. The signal that tells them to stop eating doesn't work so they can overeat. Sometimes that's horribly sad because they can eat so much that their stomach can rupture. They also struggle with apnea, breathing problems and inability to maintain their body temperature. So if they have a fever, it's off to the ER. Same goes if they vomit.
PWS is scary. I've been privileged to know this family and see how amazing they are. Pixie is being raised by some awesome parents who want to have knowledge of what their daughter is going through. They are also helping others become aware of Prader-Willi Syndrome.
This link is the story of one girl and a short part of her journey as well as more information about PWS.
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/25/magazine/food-is-a-death-sentence-to-these-kids.html?_r=4
Having the internet at our fingertips has helped provide information and knowledge about PWS for people. Take a look at what you can learn.
http://www.pwsausa.org/
I hope you have a wonderful day!
Monday, January 19, 2015
Day 9 - A better day
Today was a much better day. The company I work for has relocated over that last week so we have been moving things around and today was a relaxing day. It's off season for us right now so it's not very busy right now. (I work for a landscaping company). I think it's great that I can work with people that I get along with so well.
We had an issue on Friday with something at work and what do we do? We stop and pray about it. This is why I'm so grateful for living in the US, we have the freedom to pray whenever we want to. I feel it's sad though that kids are not allowed to pray at school anymore. When I was in high school I was in a Christian fellowship group that met in the mornings, if I wasn't able to do that high school would have been much worse for me.
Our freedoms are taken for granted some times. There are so many men and women who work hard and give more than some people really know so that we can have these freedoms.
As I start to write I think about the people I know that were in the military. I know several, more than I realized. I have friends, relatives and even a husband that gave time for our freedom.
Do you ever think about that? How many people do you know that served the country in one branch of the military?
BTW, welcome to my lack of focus. Jumping around in my head as always.
We had an issue on Friday with something at work and what do we do? We stop and pray about it. This is why I'm so grateful for living in the US, we have the freedom to pray whenever we want to. I feel it's sad though that kids are not allowed to pray at school anymore. When I was in high school I was in a Christian fellowship group that met in the mornings, if I wasn't able to do that high school would have been much worse for me.
Our freedoms are taken for granted some times. There are so many men and women who work hard and give more than some people really know so that we can have these freedoms.
As I start to write I think about the people I know that were in the military. I know several, more than I realized. I have friends, relatives and even a husband that gave time for our freedom.
Do you ever think about that? How many people do you know that served the country in one branch of the military?
BTW, welcome to my lack of focus. Jumping around in my head as always.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Day 8 - Much of nothing
Writer's block. Some days it drives me batty when I have ideas in my head and just don't know where to go with them.
So, I've had a pretty good month mood wise. I went through a major depression in Nov and Dec but it lightened up and I've been feeling better for about a month now. Part of it was due to a medication change. This past month it's been easier to focus and not feeling very down. Unfortunately, it never lasts. I'm a little down this weekend, not major depression but down. Sometimes I feel like I drive people crazy. That I annoy people. Ok, I probably do at times.
It's sad that I don't feel like writing at the moment. I'm currently fighting with the negative thoughts and emotions in my head so if you have suggestions of how to change that, let me know.
Don't worry, this is much of nothing today.
So, I've had a pretty good month mood wise. I went through a major depression in Nov and Dec but it lightened up and I've been feeling better for about a month now. Part of it was due to a medication change. This past month it's been easier to focus and not feeling very down. Unfortunately, it never lasts. I'm a little down this weekend, not major depression but down. Sometimes I feel like I drive people crazy. That I annoy people. Ok, I probably do at times.
It's sad that I don't feel like writing at the moment. I'm currently fighting with the negative thoughts and emotions in my head so if you have suggestions of how to change that, let me know.
Don't worry, this is much of nothing today.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Day 7 - 100 Day challenge
What is my 100 day challenge?
I've challenged myself to blogging 100 days during 2015. I knew from the start that it would not be 100 days in a row, which is just fine.
So, I really want to finish one of the fanfics that I'm working on but just haven't been able to get past one point. I know once I'm past it the rest will roll out. Sometimes it feels like forever before I can get back to it. When I have the time, I don't have the words and when I have the words I don't have the time.
Yes, this is a boring one... sorry.
I've challenged myself to blogging 100 days during 2015. I knew from the start that it would not be 100 days in a row, which is just fine.
So, I really want to finish one of the fanfics that I'm working on but just haven't been able to get past one point. I know once I'm past it the rest will roll out. Sometimes it feels like forever before I can get back to it. When I have the time, I don't have the words and when I have the words I don't have the time.
Yes, this is a boring one... sorry.
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