Saturday, November 19, 2016

The Roller Coaster Ride

The roller coaster that I ride is so very frustrating.  One day I’m doing great, enjoying my life.  I reach the top of the climb and start to fall.  Some days are good; I’m not climbing upward or falling down, steady like the tortoise in the race.  Today is not one of those days.  I am falling, and falling hard. 

There’s absolutely nothing to be down about.  My marriage is going well.  My kids are doing the best they can. I have a good job, a roof over my head, plenty of food.  It’s just this simple little chemical that I cannot seem to control.  

Think positive is what I tell myself, but all I want to do is curl up in a ball, in a corner and cry.  These emotions are so overwhelming sometimes.  What do I do instead?

Stuff it inside, hide it away so that only when I’m alone do I feel.  Then it’s an even stronger feeling.  Unfortunately, the “someday” is today.  I want to be away from people.  I want to cry uncontrollably. 

I want to feel special but not sure why I don’t.  I have a husband that does everything he is capable of doing for me and loves me deeply.  I don’t understand why these feelings of insignificance and unimportance ripple through me. Why do I feel as though I do not matter in this huge world?

The ant is such a tiny insect, what makes one ant different than the rest?  What makes me different than others?  I guess I need to sit and write a grateful and positive list, but that list is so difficult to start when I’m falling.  

I hope the fall is quick.  I know I’ll still hit hard but the quicker the fall the quicker the climb is out of the pit.  It’s dark there. There are whispers of pain and anguish.  The air is thick and difficult to breathe in.  The darkness makes exhaustion more prominent and creating the lack of inspiration and energy. 

Wondering where to go from here. Will I continue to fall or stop where I am for a few days?  How long will it last this time?  I dread the outcome.  Self-control will be the top priority.  There will be no self-inflicted physical injuries; there will be focus on something positive.

“if God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31; “consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.” James 1:2 

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”  Romans 5:1-5

So, this is where I stand; in hope. Hoping that this won’t last as long.  Knowing this is the journey that was created for me to live out.  Knowing that even though I struggle with the negative whispers of depression, the end result is what counts.  Get through it. I will get through today to start another day, whether it’s going up or falling down the roller coaster is unknown at the moment.  I will remember that God is always here for me.  That He is what makes me strong and will get me through unharmed and even more grateful for who I am.  I hope to continue to help others that deal with the depths of depression and how difficult it is some days.
As of right now, I’ve gotten through a rough hour by writing this up.  This is how I get through.  Words written on fake paper in MS Word to be given to a friend or two to encourage them.  To let those friends know how much I appreciate them allowing me to share this with them and the fact that they stay my friends.  I’ve lost many friends over the years because my friends didn’t know how to react.  There’s no need to react or worry.  I am to the point now that I will be safe in the comfort of God’s arms to get me through, even if I lose more friends due to my emotional garbage, I will survive.

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