Day 2

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run...  Isaiah 40:31

For the first day of the year I look at the previous year.  Been a busy one!  I've spent over half the year working on house projects and am not even close to being done.  We've lived in our house for 15 years and this is the first time we've painted the first floor.  It took me about 2 months to paint, but about 2 months prior to do wall repairs and prep to paint.  We have plenty to keep us busy and will have more to do as this year is beginning. It'll get there. 

As for me, I went from part time to full time employment.  It's a positive thing, but I know I will have some issues with it.  It'll be a learning experience.  I've been lucky enough not to have to work full time for the past 3 years, not it's a new adventure.  

That's my positive thoughts for today.  It's a struggle to stay positive but I keep plugging away.

Day 1

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33 NIV

Today is a confusing day for me.  I've run the gambit of emotions throughout the year and I believe it's just the way things are going to be. God will give me the peace I need no matter what I do or what happens in my life.  It's the only way for me.

It's not that the day has been terrible, actually, it's been a good day.  It's just the daily battle in my head.  The tiny voices that scream at me telling me negative things. 

Some days I wonder if this blog matters to anyone, but then there's those days where I just don't care if it does or not.  

So, I sit here wanting to be positive and bring something good to the online world, but it's just not happening tonight.  Luckily, there should be a tomorrow for me.

Watching the movie The Christmas Miracle, the end has a great speech given by a lead character Joseph (played by Dan Payne).  It sums up the fact that you need to make sure you let people know they are important to you, no matter what the situation.  In the good and in the bad.  

So, take what I've said for what you want.  It's the random scattered thoughts in my head right now.  Trying to get focused some days are difficult. 

BTW, I'm trying to complete my own 100 days.... wish me luck. I'm sure I'll miss one here or there, but I'm going to try. 

Snow

Snow, what a beautiful sight.  Unless you're driving in it.  So, last week Buffalo. NY got 72" of snow in two days.  That's just insane!  Well, today we're supposed to get 2-5 inches.  I usually start work at 11am.  It was raining this morning while I was getting ready for work.  I came downstairs to find the rain turning to sleet.  The sleet turned to snow. 

The snow is heavy and coming down like crazy.  It's not supposed to stop until later in the afternoon.  

Well, I suffer from panic attacks and I could tell one was in the process of being full blown.  So, I called in work, I just can't drive in this. I know they weren't thrilled but it'll pass.  

What does my panic attack look like?

Heart racing, shaking, fight or flight feeling, crying uncontrollably, and feeling like my skin has millions of bugs on it.  I get a tightness in my chest but it's not pain.

It's a feeling of being out of control and terrified all at once.  This is actually a very poor description of my panic attacks.  I get jittery and my fingers don't stop moving.  They twitch and rub together.  I know it sounds weird, but I've learned my pre-symptoms and what to expect if it doesn't get stopped.  Sometimes I can't stop it.

Emotionally, I'm a mess.  Very edgy and feel like jumping at anything. I don't really know how to describe it.

Do you have panic attacks?  Ever have a feeling that something terrible is going to happen?  If you do, what helps you?  What are your symptoms?  What does it do to you emotionally?  

Dealing

I'm not even sure how to begin today.  My mood is better than it was the last time I stopped in here.  I spent my weekend being slightly productive.  You know, the fun stuff, grocery shopping, errands with The Minion, taping the trim upstairs so I can start that paint job this week. 

Yesterday at church they announced that one of the young ladies in a local branch was in a car accident Sunday morning (1:30am).  She was on the expressway when a drunk driver was driving in the wrong direction and hit her head on. Erin was trapped in her car and had to be cut out.  The driver of the other car was taken to the hospital as well but only had minor injuries and walked out of the hospital.  Erin was transported to the hospital, spent 4 hrs in surgery Sunday morning and still has at least one more to go.  She has 3 fractured ribs, crushed vertebrae, and major internal injuries. 

I don't even know what to say about this.  

It just saddens my heart to know that this young girl will have so much ahead of her.  She is lucky though.  She has a great support system and she is such a faithful Christian it's unbelievable.  

I will just continue to pray for her, her family and the driver. This is what has been on my mind for the last two days.  

Following up

Today I'm following up with my previous post.  Due to the fact that depression just doesn't go away easily.  When I created my last post, I felt like I was at rock bottom of the pit of depression, which meant that the next step would be the way up.  That's probably what's happening, but just way too slow.

I came to the conclusion last night that I'm not on the way up hill, but am hovering at the bottom.  How did I come to that conclusion?  Well, I love to eat, especially food that is not very healthy for me.  Well, last night, I didn't even want to eat.  It was a feeling of, why bother?  I know that doesn't make sense to some people, but those who have depression know what I mean.  It's at that point that I see where I'm at. 

Today I struggle with every thought.  I can think good, positive things one moment, then all of a sudden there's something in my head going negative. 

I did not want to go to work today.  I didn't want to do anything today.  I have another post I've been working on (about home repairs I've been working on) and I haven't wanted to get any of that done. So, I'm at work anyway.  I put on my fake smile and keep the emotions stuck deep inside.  I've learned that when I'm like this I really drive people crazy.  Can you imagine what my poor family goes through?  Exactly, it's not fun.  I feel like I'm always trying to hide the true me because that real depressed negative person brings people down, and who wants to be around someone like that?  No one.

This is how I've lost so many friendships over the years.  There are some people that are stuck seeing the negative side of me. I don't blame them for de-friending me or just "loosing contact" with me.  I can really be a pain in the butt.  Sometimes I feel like all I do is annoy people. 

OK, you can see where I'm going with today's thoughts.  I'll stop here because all it will do is get worse from here.

-getting through the day, one minute at a time-

"The Man and the Hole in the Roof"

What's it like to live with depression?  Some days it's just horrible.  Bipolar depression can make a person feel like they're crazy.  One day you're fine the next, bam!  You're in the lowest place you think you'll ever be.  

I'm pretty lucky with the fact that I understand that I will hit those lows and the highs (don't know which is worse).  When you' re in the middle it's best.  The difficult part is to stay in the middle.  Chemicals change and situations can trigger a high or low.

I'm currently in a low.  So, basically, depressed.  I have absolutely NOTHING to be depressed about.  My life is good.  I have a great family, good job, friends, a place to live, food on the table, and most of all God.  He is what will always get me through.  No matter how bad it gets, He with either carry me or drag me through to get to the next step.  

Being the fangirl that I am, I found a short film with an actor that I follow (Ryan Robbins), and directed by another actor (Robert Lawrenson) that I follow.  It's called "The Man and the Hole in the Roof"  

http://youtu.be/zfNcYeCE6VI 

If you get the chance, take out 10 mins to watch it.  Beautifully written (Ryan Fehr)  and portrayed by two great actors (Ryan Robbins and Michael Patric).  

Sometimes it's as simple as the words that come from a total stranger that can help when you're depressed.  Remember that when you treat someone with respect and kindness it can change their whole world.  

Back to what I was saying, depression can be so difficult to get out of.  Even with counseling, medication and people who care around you, it can be as difficult as swimming across an ocean.  It seems endless and hopeless, but with help you can get to the other side. 

When I'm depressed I usually become extremely introverted.  I hate being around people, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do anything, not even the things I enjoy.  Yesterday was horrible!  Aside from the depression my anxiety was in full bloom.  I'm feeling a little better today, hence I'm actually writing.  I spent last night doing absolutely nothing of any importance, and alone.  That helped.

Do I have a point in this today?  I'm not really sure if I've gotten to any point.  All I can say is that if you suffer from depression, just get through the day... or the hour, then the next hour.  Sometimes is all we can do.  Find help and stay as strong as you can.  Talk to someone.  It that person can't help, find someone else.  Keep looking until you find someone you feel comfortable talking with and get through this.  

Depression and mental illness came to light with Robin Williams took his life.  Lots of stuff in the news then, now? Nope.  It will never end.  There are many different opinions of taking your life.  All I can say is that it is selfish and a cop-out, to a point.  I completely understand the agony you feel inside, how you want the pain to end.  Just stop.  The people that survive can't make any sense of it.  They can only understand what you were thinking at that moment a little.  Stick around and tell them.  Tell them how alone you feel when you're in a room full of people.  How you feel like an outcast.  How you feel like everything you do is wrong.  How you think you annoy everyone you're around because you deal with this ALL the time and it just can't seem to go away for good.

Tell them. Now, I need to listen to my own advice.  The things I've mentioned above is exactly how I feel when I'm depressed (and sometimes when I'm not).

I hope I've been able to help someone today.  I have to go to work, yipee.  Yes, that's sarcastic.  I really like my job and the people I work with, but when I'm depressed I don't want to go.  

But, I go....  

Depression sucks!

I figured I should just take a few minutes to get some thoughts down.  

I've had a four day weekend and it's ending in the wrong way.  My original plan was to refinish my deck.  I figured I could pressure wash the previous stain off since we have a strong pressure washer.  Well, when I went to get it started, it didn't.  So, Thursday as a bust! When my neighbor came home I asked him to help me.  He's good with things like this and my IT Guys and Minion were away for the weekend. He couldn't get it started.  So, I borrowed his pressure washer. 

I spent several hours Thursday night and Friday all day working on the deck.  It's not really that big, but the pressure washer I was using has a PSI about half of what ours has. All that time and almost all of the flooring stain had been removed. Yesterday I headed back out but after a few hours of getting no where on the spindles and railing I gave up.  

I am do discouraged and depressed about this.  I need to use a chemical remover now since that wasn't working.  This whole thing has thrown me into a crash.  All I've wanted to do is eat, which of course, I've been doing. Which of course, makes me feel worse.  

Sometimes depression is quite frustrating. I can look from the outside and see the situation but from where I currently stand, in the middle of the situation, it sucks!

So, today I've been doing nothing.  I had this huge to-do list for the weekend. I was looking forward to getting some things done.  Now I feel like I'm a failure.  I didn't get anything on this list completed. 

All I know is that at least there's tomorrow.