The roller coaster that I ride is
so very frustrating. One day I’m doing great, enjoying my
life. I reach the top of the climb and start to fall. Some
days are good; I’m not climbing upward or falling down, steady like the
tortoise in the race. Today is not one of those days. I
am falling, and falling hard.
There’s absolutely nothing to be
down about. My marriage is going well. My kids are doing
the best they can. I have a good job, a roof over my head, plenty of
food. It’s just this simple little chemical that I cannot seem to
control.
Think positive is what I tell
myself, but all I want to do is curl up in a ball, in a corner and
cry. These emotions are so overwhelming sometimes. What
do I do instead?
Stuff it inside, hide it away so
that only when I’m alone do I feel. Then it’s an even stronger
feeling. Unfortunately, the “someday” is today. I want to
be away from people. I want to cry uncontrollably.
I want to feel special but not
sure why I don’t. I have a husband that does everything he is
capable of doing for me and loves me deeply. I don’t understand why these
feelings of insignificance and unimportance ripple through
me. Why do I feel as though I do not matter in this huge world? 
The ant is such a tiny insect,
what makes one ant different than the rest? What makes me different
than others? I guess I need to sit and write a grateful and positive
list, but that list is so difficult to start when I’m falling.
I hope the fall is
quick. I know I’ll still hit hard but the quicker the fall the
quicker the climb is out of the pit. It’s dark there. There are
whispers of pain and anguish. The air is thick and difficult to
breathe in. The darkness makes exhaustion more prominent and
creating the lack of inspiration and energy.
Wondering where to go from here.
Will I continue to fall or stop where I am for a few days? How long
will it last this time? I dread the outcome. Self-control
will be the top priority. There will be no self-inflicted physical
injuries; there will be focus on something positive.
“if God is for us, who can be
against us?” Romans 8:31; “consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you
face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith
develops perseverance.” James 1:2
“Therefore, since we have been
justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus
Christ, 2 through whom we have gained
access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope
of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings,
because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and
character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s
love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been
given to us.” Romans 5:1-5
So, this is where I stand; in
hope. Hoping that this won’t last as long. Knowing this is the
journey that was created for me to live out. Knowing that even
though I struggle with the negative whispers of depression, the end result is
what counts. Get through it. I will get through today to start
another day, whether it’s going up or falling down the roller coaster is
unknown at the moment. I will remember that God is always here for
me. That He is what makes me strong and will get me through unharmed
and even more grateful for who I am. I hope to continue to help
others that deal with the depths of depression and how difficult it is some
days.
As of right now, I’ve gotten
through a rough hour by writing this up. This is how I get
through. Words written on fake paper in MS Word to be given to a
friend or two to encourage them. To let those friends know how much
I appreciate them allowing me to share this with them and the fact that they
stay my friends. I’ve lost many friends over the years because my
friends didn’t know how to react. There’s no need to react or
worry. I am to the point now that I will be safe in the comfort of
God’s arms to get me through, even if I lose more friends due to my emotional
garbage, I will survive.
